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Birth Trauma and Men: ‘I can’t get over this, I will never be the same again’! 

A distressed man on the phone, it had been for him a very difficult experience indeed. 

The story he was living in after watching her giving birth had been effecting his sleep, his relationship with the woman he loves and his work. 

After some time telling his story, he sobbed:

 ‘I can’t get over this, I will never be the same again’! 

Then a pause on the line, a sense of what he had said being the final word. 

Two questions came next: 

‘What would happen in your life if you could ‘get over this’? 

And

‘What has stopped you ‘getting over this’ until now’? 

No ‘content’ was being offered, the questions just offer him a direction for his meaning/map making search. 

His own deletions, distortions and generalisations, in the answering of the questions, now have the potential to be uncovered and his experience of life expanded. 

As yourself:

 ‘What directions are the questions pointing in’?

‘Do the questions imply any kind of advice or content’? 

‘What has to be assumed by the one answering them’?

Then, having reflected upon those things, take a moment to think about the story you are living in right now.

Begin to get a sense of where in your own life there exists for you a ‘can’t’ or shouldn’t.

Ask yourself the two questions and write down your answers. 

That’s the power of the ‘meta model’ of NLP and it’s only the smallest introduction.

https://birthing4blokes.com/nlp/

www.birthing4blokes.com Is a six module on line program that prepares men to be truly present as the woman they love gives birth.  

We are learning machines, set on automatic…let’s tinker with the ‘patterns’?


An observation from my own learning history to date :

I began to see a ‘pattern’: 

I have seen it in my own learning over the years….I first ask myself what is this new teaching etc ‘like’….my patterned way of learning looked for similarities with what I already thought I knew in order to make sense of what was being said to me. 

It’s not a bad pattern, it’s just an habitual pattern that I had set on default, it’s one way of learning new things…..

A different way is to find an aspect of what’s being offered and to test it in your experience….TEST it. 

This way may involve suspending what you think it’s like, or what you think you know about it already…..and just following instructions while YOU TEST…

After you have some results from your tests you potentially have some learning which is NEW, maybe even transformational.  

The other way learning is defo useful, it’s served me for years, in my experience the way I’m suggesting you try on here is VERY DIFFERENT.

Is It Time To Set Goal? 

In the past at this time of year I have tended to get caught in something of a ‘goal setting’ trap. 

You know, that sense of frantic, simmering panic that if I don’t do something different things will be the same? 

Well, that way of thinking defiantly makes sense right? 

Doing the same things and expecting different results would be some people’s definition of madness. 

But, hold on a minute, it doesn’t take much reflection to realise that our most consistent actions do not need ‘thinking about’, they ‘just’ turn up again and again, running on automatic, just outside of our conscious awareness. 

The human animal seems to have evolved a perfect system for getting ‘survival’ done.

Chose a ‘pattern’ of behaviour, repeat a pattern of behaviour, forget why you chose it and just do it without having to actively think about it anymore. 

The ‘cherry on the top’ of this perfect ‘survival system’, is our relatively recent ability to now create a ‘story’ about our ‘automatic patterned behaviour’ and call it ‘just who we are’!

No human being experiences ‘reality’ directly. It’s easy to read over that last phrase……STOP…….and read it again. 

No human being experiences ‘reality’ directly.

You, right now are receiving  information from the ‘outside world’ (Reality, whoever that is) through your senses, that information gets transformed into your personal ‘map of the world’ and it’s your maps that are running you life. 

The maps that are running my life are doing it without much of my concious mind involvement. 

As I approach another New Year with many exciting projects ahead in 2017 and beyond, these two ways of seeing the world are making a massive difference to my planning and thinking.

Becoming clearer and clearer about the ‘stories’ I am living in, those which are set on automatic, begins to create a sense of peace in  me as  a place to come from, rather than a place to get to.

Goal setting seems such a good thing too do, and it can be when flowing from Peace, too often in my experience goal setting has been a panicked response to trying to GET peace, and from that place has seldom been helpful. 

What is your ‘experience’ of the ‘story’ you are living in at the moment?  

Unravelling those ‘stories’ and ‘Seeing’ the story beneath it is a great starting place. 

The most powerful ‘intentions’ I set are paradoxically the ones I forget about , when they unfold I’m surprised.

Setting an intention is powerful communication with unconscious process.

Spend time ‘losing yourself’ in ‘intentions’, write em down, then burn em, feeling a deep sense of ‘Peace’.

www.birthing4blokes.com

The Power Of NLP, You Experience It Everyday 

In the NLP model, we speak about ‘anchoring’, you probably know it as plain old ‘conditioned response’ of Pavlov and his dog fame. 

Before you decide that you know all about it, and that maybe your experience of ‘using’ anchoring hasn’t been great till now, I’d like you to think again.

Ever experienced a day when your moods shift and change, sometime almost hourly?  

You have experienced the power of anchoring. 

Remember driving towards a traffic light and before you have had chance to ‘think’ your foot is moving towards the pedal? 

You have experienced anchoring. 

Think back to times when wearing certain clothes, smelling a particular aftershave or feeling the sand between your toes……and notice how your feelings are very consistent, right?  

Learning how to put this powerful phenomena called anchoring to work for you is one of the skills that will be unlocked through mastering the model of NLP.

As birth workers you already know the internal power that awaits a woman as she gives birth, using the power of anchors in conjunction with these evolutionary forces is a potent force indeed. 

If you haven’t done the NLP and birth workers Introduction video program yet, you can find it here: 

NLP for Birth Workers Registration link:
https://birthing4blokes.com/register/nlp-for-birth-workers-1/

Conference subjects I’m available to speak on in 2017😃

Happy new year. This year I am writing a new book for September 2017, the subjects below will be covered in the book.

 

 

Men, Love & Fatherhood, will take men from the birth of their baby to the end of the first 3 months.

 

I would like to speak on these subject at conferences and student midwife events.

Bonding without breasts

Massage for babies

Baby wearing

Sex after birth

Intimacy, the endocrine dance, sexual differences

Language use and building intimacy in relation to the endocrine dance

Sleep; theirs and yours

Caring for yourself as Father 

A fathers responsibility as she breastfeeds

Understanding infant well-being and what’s expected of you?

Rites of passage for men in the west. 

Imprinting experiences and the importance of patterns decided on in early life lasting a life time, the implications for parenting. 

Email me to book a date: birthing4blokes@gmail.com

or ring me:

07725 894 452

Living inside a story, but…’what happened’? 

Making the distinction between what happened….and the stories we make up….i.e. The meaning we make up out of the raw material of what happened….this distinction can be powerful…..

Humans tend to live inside the experience of the stories they create.

When it comes to stories, and looking at the stories once you have frozen them in time by writing them down, there is a distinction which you may find helpful. 

Here it is: write two columns, top of one column write what happened, and the other head ‘story’.  

Under the what happened column write down everything that you would write down if that you can verify by sensory sensory experience….

….In other words as if you where watching it happen on a video….another person would see and hear it too. 

Closer we can get to primary data…sensory experience the better…..

Living in the felt experience of a story is the human condition, it’s prob the only way to relate to ‘reality’, it’s just that most human beings are unaware of the ‘stories’ that run their lives outside of consciousness……

In fact they think they have free will. 😔

NLP and Birthworkers…….

What is NLP? Why has been the significant area of study and practice in my life to date?



When my wife was diagnosed with cancer and years later died, my experience and learnings of NLP got me through those years and is one of the reasons for the ‘dream’ of a life I am living now…….

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1028574300594246&id=446404652144550

and here is the booking link:
https://birthing4blokes.com/nlp-for-birth-workers-webinar-series/