Listening For Feeling

Listening for a feeling seems to make sense when listening to myself, by listening I mean ‘hearing’ my ‘feelings’.

I found a journal I had written 20 years ago and was stunned as I recognised todays thoughts in the pages.

I was speaking to one of my sons about his sports performance and noticed feelings that I recognised from when he was 4 years old. As I ‘listened’ to those familiar feelings I ‘heard’ jealousy and fear.

The feelings didn’t disappear on being ‘named’, but allowing them to be there and recognising them as being 16 years old, seemed to hasten their passing.

Listening for a ‘feeling’ in myself is becoming a window into the habitual ways of thinking/feeling that I have just accepted as the ‘way I am’.

Seeing this thinking/feeling connection is leading to new thoughts/feelings becoming possible. It amazes me how my habitual, less than conscious thoughts have led to a case of mistaken identity.

I am not Who I think I am

I seem to consider my ‘self’ a someone most of the time (Form), and ALL my thinking that repeats again and again etc has the ‘feel’ of thinking that has already been thought… I recognise it, it’s feels familiar. This familiar ‘feeling’ has become a gift to me.

Who I really Am, it turns out is a ‘NO ONE'(Formless) most of the time engrossed in the ‘story’ of the ‘someone’! Every now and then, the ‘story’ is seen for what it ‘is’, old thinking ‘slows down’ and a new thought seems to ’pop up’ out of ‘NO WHERE’, Wisdom.

He Put His Fingers Where? Part 2

(You will need to read part 1 if you are to understand what follows)

Come the next day I had not heard anything from the couple I had visited the night before, I was a little concerned about how they might be doing and rang the mobile number I had for them, no answer, assuming that they had been admitted to the maternity unit I rang the ‘labour ward’.

As expected that’s where the 3 of them now were, birth had taken place and although neither my midwifery partner nor I had made it, they sounded very excited with how everything had turned out. I visited them at home that evening and enjoyed the sense of joy, excitement and peace that reigned in the house; lovely, job done, breathed a sigh of contented relief and relaxed.

Two days passed and I was called to see the senior midwife and the ‘Risk manager’, as I made my way into the unit I was anxious, what had I done wrong? What was it about? Nothing came to mind at all,the months previous had passed without an incident or ‘near miss’, I was anxiously baffled.

The two of them sat a little stony faced around the coffee table in the ‘risk office’, declining coffee I sat down and asked what the meeting was about?

Senior midwife began to explain, ‘We have had a complaint about your practice Mark’, pause, ‘the labour ward coordinator two nights ago ‘looked after’ a woman in your case load. She has raised concerns because when she offered to examine her vaginally the partner said, ‘oh there is no need for that, she is 9cms dilated, I examined her at home before we came to hospital’!

When asked how he knew, what training he had, he proudly declared, ’Mark taught me’!

The concern was that I had actively taught him to do vaginal examinations, I hadn’t, but why not!?