Habits? If I could stop doing it ‘consciously’ I would have stopped already, right? 

If wasn’t ‘weight loss’ it was a tendency to drink too much or smoke (and now ‘vape’), or become so irate about midwifery ‘practice issues’ that I looked and sounded aggressive. 

Each of these areas of my life over the years has caused me and others pain, at times my life was coloured by them and I felt deeply that I wanted to change, I tried loads of ways of ‘being’ different and time and time again I ‘failed’. 

No mater how hard I tried ‘consciously’ and how many ‘self help’ techniques I learned, that sense of being trapped inside behaviours that just wouldn’t go away seemed to be the ‘colour wash’ of my life. 

So, 27 stone later, widowed, and depressed I hit what felt to me ‘rock bottom’. 

It was around this time some 8 years ago, ‘I’ kind of ‘woke up’, and it took the human being I loved the most in the world at the time, breathing her last in my arms. 

I’ve realised since that ‘waking up’ to what’s really running our lives doesn’t have to take a sledge hammer, who knew? 

An ‘insight’ will do it, a moment of ‘awareness’; for me it was noticing that my ‘internal conversation’ or ‘thinking’ had a mind of its own, I didn’t need to ‘will’ my thoughts into being, they just happened. 

If you don’t believe me test it out, sit for 10 minutes and just count your breaths to 10, ‘try’ to stay with the count only, and see what happens? 

All communication between human beings is driven by unconscious process and our most fundamental relationship, the one we have with ourselves is no different. 

I came to understand that my life was almost being lived ‘automatically’ based on these less than conscious internal ‘conversations’, which in turn, had feeder ‘stories’ which I had been retelling myself for years and years. 

The starting place for crafting a ‘story’ I wanted to ‘live in’ began when I started to notice the power of my less than conscious mind to to create a kind of ‘direction’ for the focus of my life………bringing ‘conscious and less than conscious process’ into harmony is a life long ‘event’.

Habits you wanna change? My starting point was noticing the internal ‘stories’, that felt real, but only really existed in my ‘head’. 

Who knew?


3 thoughts on “Habits? If I could stop doing it ‘consciously’ I would have stopped already, right? 

  1. Very interesting ❤ I started to explore the voice and conversation in my head when I did Mindfulness course last year… It was amazing! X

  2. You’re my zen guru, Mark! 😉

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